entangled emotions.
POSTED ON: Wednesday, November 12, 2008 @ 3:46 PM | 0 comments
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hey.
i guess you might be surprised to see a post here. maybe youre expecting me to be on HIATUS. okay, whatever. emotions are still not stable, i admit. ahh. the tears are still my vulnerable asset nowadays.i told myself that i wont cry yesterday. but the emotions are really something that i cannot overcome. its just too much for me to take in. too much for 1 day. i admit, i cried myself to sleep last night feeling helpless and hatred towards you. and i never did that before. oh wells. im still trying hard to be strong. really. but somehow its hard. oh God, help me.
what you did to me yesterday was a 'that's it' sign for me.i was patient enough to entertain your nonsense on the first half of the day but not anymore. i have my limits too okay. and what made it worst? you continued on blaming me even though countless times i told you that i dont know the real story. im caught off guard. i feel weak at the moment. you changed you know? a lot. i thought you've had enough of blaming me at the first part of the day. i thought. but it seems that im wrong eyy. i still dont know you. the real you or maybe the real jerk in you. you rejected my explanations. you made me look like a fool. i have my pride and dignity too you know. and you treat my pride and dignity as if its not worth it. that was when i couldn take it and cried. i cried because of that. because i dont like it when people just pick on my pride and dignity. do you realise what you are trying to do? i dont bother whatever happens between you. ill mend that part of my heart another time. but yesterday was it. really it.
and today you came begging for forgiveness at me. after all that you had said. those really harsh words that i dont know what you're talking about. you dont even bother to at least, sort things out with me nicely yesterday. all that you know is that yours and her feelings had to be protected. but mine? what about mine? im human too and i have feelings. you spit out everything at me and now you're trying to lick it back. you go on with your famous words. "im sorry. i know what i did was wrong. i know that i couldnt take back all that i said to you last night. im confused and pissed. Amaliah, im sorry." you're satisfied to see me hurt now? satisfied to treat me inhumanly? then excellent. you must be really damn satisfied cause im hurt. no doubt. if that's what you want to see, here you go. i admit im weak. really weak. im not like what you see 2 years ago. not the strong and strict one. and you go on. "can you just forgive and forget?" what the hell. you think its easy to forgive and forget. you're asking me to do 2 things that are too hard for me to do now. just dont beg me. im not a welfare person alrite whom you can just go to when you seek help and abandon when you're alrite.
forgive you for whatever that you said? forget all those harsh words that echoes through my head the whole of yesterday night? forgive? forget? its not easy. after all of it. i dont want to get involved. you know what? its my biggest mistake that i used to like you. i used to fall for your words. me. i admit it. i used to be like that. but now, i guess i have to let things go. i will overcome it if thats gonna make you happy. especially it matters the most when it concerns my pride. you can make a fool of me but not my dignity.
as for you, its okay dear. im still trying real hard to be strong. im sure that i can overcome it soon. i dont blame you for whatever happens either. but please, im begging you. please dont put me involved in whatever story that you and him are in. i dont even know anything. please. im hurt enough for now. i love you though. you are a TRUE friend. ily!
I cant forget what you did.
I hate you and im hurt with whatever that you did, at me.
I cant lie myself to forgive you.
I am not able to forgive you.
I hate you Farhan. really i do.
"tepuk sebelah tangan takkan berbunyi..."
BYE.
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