freedom at last.
POSTED ON: Wednesday, June 29, 2011 @ 5:48 PM | 0 comments
hello all.
I found something so apt to describe my feeling right now. Thanks alot alot to Ily's blog. Hehe. Anyway, despite everything, I survived midyears. Alhamdullilah. Had been sick since Monday. Im the third in my family to get the bug flu (mum's the finale by the way) so had been feeling pretty miserable. thank god, i prepared early for exams though. I just hope that my efforts paid off. Hehe. In between tissues and revising notes, im glad to pull through mid years (: - with little scars and bruises.
anyway, im like really happy that ive somewhat managed to cope with the many ups and downs and ridiculous emotional turmoil around me. laughing alot does help (thanks akhyar!) and staying so close to my true blue love ones does its wonders as well. (: ohh, and it helps that school's a distraction now. Haha. I look forward to come to school now. Right akh? Heheh. The reason, well, only I know.
Okaylah,that's all for now.Time for retreat.
Love always.
Unwritten promises & unanswered questions.
POSTED ON: Friday, June 24, 2011 @ 2:27 PM | 0 comments
hello everyone.
so maybe, they're right. i do seem a bit distracted these days. even aleem thinks so too. he says im physically here but when i talk to him, i don't know, he says that i got lost in the conversation. maybe its just the exams having its effects on me. oh wells, ive been pretty stressed up about alot of things lately. but, MUST STAY STRONG. okay, nur amaliah?
sometimes, i feel really stupid. why venture to that place that have brought so many good memories with you previously? its like kinda, suicidal to be honest. because, when you're there, like really there, your mind drifted off to the memory lane searching for that moment before it becomes a memory. and to be honest, its sad. i don't know why i'm doing it. therapy perhaps? so that i can move on? lols. you'll never know amaliah and her crazy, random, unplanned ideas. i think its just luck that the people around me has to put up with my randomness. oh gosh.
so, when me and akh had some random idea for a new story yesterday, i tried to focus and type. because usually, the words flow without much difficulty. but yesterday, thanks to all the names, i just stayed glued to the screen, unable to write a single thing. its like my mind is all jammed up over there. i can't breathe and i cannot bring myself to say those names. i don't know what feeling this is but its really intoxicating me. i tried to take my minds off by visiting the places that i love but i don't know why the feeling is different. way, way different.
anyway, forget it. i'm never going to visit memory lane again. ive had enough. maybe, its time i build walls so that only certain people can enter. im giving up on you.
love always.
PS: yes, that should be the case. but why is it i keep feeling the opposite?
when something just cheer you up at the last moment
POSTED ON: Monday, June 20, 2011 @ 5:13 PM | 0 comments
hello all.
was on the verge of sadness and breaking down but something that i received from someone and the words written on it totally cheered me up. (: at least, someone out there still thinks that im worthy of people and im worthy of making the changes that i want for myself and for others. all this while, when i thought that it wasnt possible. thank you for still believing in me. i promise that i will do better when term starts again. (:
anyway, i had a nice heart to heart session with akhyar today. it was meaningful and fulfilling and she made me realised that i should stop blaming myself for whatever that has happened. yes, it was brief and yes, the happiness is kind of short-lived but at least, im lucky that i get to iron my thoughts out. because to be really honest, seeing how one can achieve happiness or supposedly happiness (according to them) out of my miseries, is something that i really couldn't take it. And worse, it was that person who started the chain reactions to what im currently facing. if not for it, all of this wouldnt have started. right?
but on a side note, blaming that person for everything is as if im denying God's plans for me. Its as if I forgot that God was the one who had all of this planned for me. Who wanted me to face this. But somehow, i felt that it was my mistake. A mistake that i shouldnt make. I shouldnt have used you as a means for me to forget the sadness that i went through. How am I supposed to know that having that access to your life, catching occasional glimpse of what you went through had made me grown so attached to you? I didnt intend for all of this to happen. Like any other people, I was just following the flow.
And now that ive grown attached to you, its as if im still at loss. im finding something - anything. but all i get was empty promises and assuarances that you don't want to hurt me again just like how i was hurt the last time round. the truth is, you're the one who is afraid of getting hurt. you set up all of these barriers to the people around you, permitting access only to places in yourself that you feel secure about and not wanting to talk about things that make yourself you - yes, the way you really are and why you're behaving in a certain way. you think that by doing this, you can keep yourself off from people. That yes, they get to be friends with you but once they enter that zone that you deem is not a 'safe territory' anymore for yourself, you choose the easy way out. how? by shutting them out of your life when unknowingly, you were the one who let them in. you let them explore the grounds but you're hoping that they won't question anything. maybe for others, thats possible but with me, it wouldnt.
i needed your explanations but you threw me your questions. and yes, you ignore the fact that it has already happened. you're not going to deal with it arent you? but why? is it because it hurts you so much that you don't wish to talk about it anymore? or is it because you think it might make you appear as if you're lacking something that everyone has?
you told me once that you consider us as friends who are able to talk about anything under the weather and can confide anything. but it seems, that its me who felt the same way. but you? can you tell me now which part of all of this is true? is there anything about us that is real to begin with or is it just a fake thing that you can put aside once you're bored with it?
you told me that you don't want to be like him who lies to me. you told me that i can choose to trust you because you wouldnt be like him. but when i choose to trust you all this while and give you the benefit of the doubt most of the times, ironically, you did the same thing. why?
to be honest, i dont know what's real about us anymore. perhaps, nothing. its as though i imagined every single thing. right? you're vicious and heartless. you lure me in and stand by me for a while and afterwords, you did the exact same thing. am i really stupid enough to be the target, always? where its either i get lied about or manipulated around. with that sweet girl facade that i put up, this is what i get? its totally not worth it. i believe you have your reasons and i hope that i will at least get an answer for those unanswered questions.
should or should not?
POSTED ON: Friday, June 17, 2011 @ 8:43 PM | 0 comments
hello all.
yes, its been a while since that last proper update. had been really busy catching up with a lot of things in my life - studies, people and sleep. (: haha. anyways, i hope that i can write a proper update for you now. to be really honest, life's alot more fulfilling for me now. somehow, i tend to view things a little bit more optimistically. the chalet the other day did me good - i got more tanned than ever, hehe. oh, and me and firah camwhored alot alot alot. Everyone says that the camera will crack soon if we didn't stop taking our photos. haha. those good days. there's more fun coming up on 3 july though. so yeap. the same crowd again (: gonnay party like i do the last time round. hardcore, baby cos with them is the only reason why i can be very wild and very me. no restraints.
in the middle of making decisions for some malay event now. again. mummy wants me to go cos its like a personal invitation for me. and she thinks, that it will be a good thing for me, whats with being an MLEP student and everything yknow. She thinks that its for the reporter thing but I highly doubt so. Afterall, no one says anything about the reporter thing. So probably not. And gosh, got dress code. Batik. So, now on top of having to go for a malay event, I have to dress up as well? Like a true blue malay girl. Hmm, we'll see how lah.
I can never escape this question everytime there's a cousin meet up eyhh? Like seriously, they will never allow me off the hook as long as I choose to keep quiet and smile instead of giving them a solid and concrete response. Ada boyfriend tak? Are you taken? Alahhh, tak ada question lain nak tanya ke?
I suppose, that kind of questions dont really affect me that much. True, I may be kinda left behind in the dating scene as compared to my cousins and everything but its because of my decision to do so. I havent found the right one, at least i think so, yet. Takkan just nak grab anyone and be my boyfie kan? Besides, I got alot of other important things to do than falling in love. Unlike El who changes gf like change clothes, I choose to remain loyal to that one person. And probably, its because of people like El that is the reason why I have yet to have a boyfie. Because, I keep thinking that no guy on earth are sincere and well can be trusted. Its either they're annoying or they lie alot. Or they sweet talk alot alot alot. Basically, I have yet to find a decent decent one.
they say that i set high expectations for myself but i highly doubt so. haha. its high but i believe that its attainable. so yeah. lets not think about this right now shall we.
back to the books for now.
love always.
Oh, so true.
POSTED ON: Wednesday, June 15, 2011 @ 6:47 PM | 0 comments
This are the words I always, alway say. Ohmygosh.
Ayunan Dewi - Berdiri Sehati Sejiwa
POSTED ON: Friday, June 10, 2011 @ 8:35 AM | 0 comments
hello everyone
MY VERY FIRST PERFORMANCE AS AN AD GIRL! (: Nerve wrecking but extremely enjoyable. Kem Budaya made me view things in a more fresher perspective as a malay girl. HAHA. It kinda opens my eyes to the beauty of my culture and yes, the semangat that we put in. Which is alot. Haha. Heart and soul sekali oii! (: I believed that I showed myself as a true blue malay girl 2 days back - a personality that I seldom show to the people around me. My enthusiasm was just woah. Even Im surprised myself.
Brother has NERF competition today. (: And there's kenduri tomorrow. And chalet on Sunday! (: More camwhoring moments with love ones! I so cannot wait! Oh yes, Cik Mah and Farah's birthday today. Happy birthday CIK MAH! (: Thank you for everything that you have done for me. Love you banyak banyak! Stay awesome dearest aunty. Oh and Farah darling, I miss miss miss you. (: Happy sweet 17 love. Stay hype up and giler giler always okay! Love you!
I shall keep this short! (:
Love korang.
← Older / ♥ back up ♥ / Newer →
freedom at last.
POSTED ON: Wednesday, June 29, 2011 @ 5:48 PM | 0 comments
hello all.
I found something so apt to describe my feeling right now. Thanks alot alot to Ily's blog. Hehe. Anyway, despite everything, I survived midyears. Alhamdullilah. Had been sick since Monday. Im the third in my family to get the bug flu (mum's the finale by the way) so had been feeling pretty miserable. thank god, i prepared early for exams though. I just hope that my efforts paid off. Hehe. In between tissues and revising notes, im glad to pull through mid years (: - with little scars and bruises.
anyway, im like really happy that ive somewhat managed to cope with the many ups and downs and ridiculous emotional turmoil around me. laughing alot does help (thanks akhyar!) and staying so close to my true blue love ones does its wonders as well. (: ohh, and it helps that school's a distraction now. Haha. I look forward to come to school now. Right akh? Heheh. The reason, well, only I know.
Okaylah,that's all for now.Time for retreat.
Love always.
Unwritten promises & unanswered questions.
POSTED ON: Friday, June 24, 2011 @ 2:27 PM | 0 comments
hello everyone.
so maybe, they're right. i do seem a bit distracted these days. even aleem thinks so too. he says im physically here but when i talk to him, i don't know, he says that i got lost in the conversation. maybe its just the exams having its effects on me. oh wells, ive been pretty stressed up about alot of things lately. but, MUST STAY STRONG. okay, nur amaliah?
sometimes, i feel really stupid. why venture to that place that have brought so many good memories with you previously? its like kinda, suicidal to be honest. because, when you're there, like really there, your mind drifted off to the memory lane searching for that moment before it becomes a memory. and to be honest, its sad. i don't know why i'm doing it. therapy perhaps? so that i can move on? lols. you'll never know amaliah and her crazy, random, unplanned ideas. i think its just luck that the people around me has to put up with my randomness. oh gosh.
so, when me and akh had some random idea for a new story yesterday, i tried to focus and type. because usually, the words flow without much difficulty. but yesterday, thanks to all the names, i just stayed glued to the screen, unable to write a single thing. its like my mind is all jammed up over there. i can't breathe and i cannot bring myself to say those names. i don't know what feeling this is but its really intoxicating me. i tried to take my minds off by visiting the places that i love but i don't know why the feeling is different. way, way different.
anyway, forget it. i'm never going to visit memory lane again. ive had enough. maybe, its time i build walls so that only certain people can enter. im giving up on you.
love always.
PS: yes, that should be the case. but why is it i keep feeling the opposite?
when something just cheer you up at the last moment
POSTED ON: Monday, June 20, 2011 @ 5:13 PM | 0 comments
hello all.
was on the verge of sadness and breaking down but something that i received from someone and the words written on it totally cheered me up. (: at least, someone out there still thinks that im worthy of people and im worthy of making the changes that i want for myself and for others. all this while, when i thought that it wasnt possible. thank you for still believing in me. i promise that i will do better when term starts again. (:
anyway, i had a nice heart to heart session with akhyar today. it was meaningful and fulfilling and she made me realised that i should stop blaming myself for whatever that has happened. yes, it was brief and yes, the happiness is kind of short-lived but at least, im lucky that i get to iron my thoughts out. because to be really honest, seeing how one can achieve happiness or supposedly happiness (according to them) out of my miseries, is something that i really couldn't take it. And worse, it was that person who started the chain reactions to what im currently facing. if not for it, all of this wouldnt have started. right?
but on a side note, blaming that person for everything is as if im denying God's plans for me. Its as if I forgot that God was the one who had all of this planned for me. Who wanted me to face this. But somehow, i felt that it was my mistake. A mistake that i shouldnt make. I shouldnt have used you as a means for me to forget the sadness that i went through. How am I supposed to know that having that access to your life, catching occasional glimpse of what you went through had made me grown so attached to you? I didnt intend for all of this to happen. Like any other people, I was just following the flow.
And now that ive grown attached to you, its as if im still at loss. im finding something - anything. but all i get was empty promises and assuarances that you don't want to hurt me again just like how i was hurt the last time round. the truth is, you're the one who is afraid of getting hurt. you set up all of these barriers to the people around you, permitting access only to places in yourself that you feel secure about and not wanting to talk about things that make yourself you - yes, the way you really are and why you're behaving in a certain way. you think that by doing this, you can keep yourself off from people. That yes, they get to be friends with you but once they enter that zone that you deem is not a 'safe territory' anymore for yourself, you choose the easy way out. how? by shutting them out of your life when unknowingly, you were the one who let them in. you let them explore the grounds but you're hoping that they won't question anything. maybe for others, thats possible but with me, it wouldnt.
i needed your explanations but you threw me your questions. and yes, you ignore the fact that it has already happened. you're not going to deal with it arent you? but why? is it because it hurts you so much that you don't wish to talk about it anymore? or is it because you think it might make you appear as if you're lacking something that everyone has?
you told me once that you consider us as friends who are able to talk about anything under the weather and can confide anything. but it seems, that its me who felt the same way. but you? can you tell me now which part of all of this is true? is there anything about us that is real to begin with or is it just a fake thing that you can put aside once you're bored with it?
you told me that you don't want to be like him who lies to me. you told me that i can choose to trust you because you wouldnt be like him. but when i choose to trust you all this while and give you the benefit of the doubt most of the times, ironically, you did the same thing. why?
to be honest, i dont know what's real about us anymore. perhaps, nothing. its as though i imagined every single thing. right? you're vicious and heartless. you lure me in and stand by me for a while and afterwords, you did the exact same thing. am i really stupid enough to be the target, always? where its either i get lied about or manipulated around. with that sweet girl facade that i put up, this is what i get? its totally not worth it. i believe you have your reasons and i hope that i will at least get an answer for those unanswered questions.
should or should not?
POSTED ON: Friday, June 17, 2011 @ 8:43 PM | 0 comments
hello all.
yes, its been a while since that last proper update. had been really busy catching up with a lot of things in my life - studies, people and sleep. (: haha. anyways, i hope that i can write a proper update for you now. to be really honest, life's alot more fulfilling for me now. somehow, i tend to view things a little bit more optimistically. the chalet the other day did me good - i got more tanned than ever, hehe. oh, and me and firah camwhored alot alot alot. Everyone says that the camera will crack soon if we didn't stop taking our photos. haha. those good days. there's more fun coming up on 3 july though. so yeap. the same crowd again (: gonnay party like i do the last time round. hardcore, baby cos with them is the only reason why i can be very wild and very me. no restraints.
in the middle of making decisions for some malay event now. again. mummy wants me to go cos its like a personal invitation for me. and she thinks, that it will be a good thing for me, whats with being an MLEP student and everything yknow. She thinks that its for the reporter thing but I highly doubt so. Afterall, no one says anything about the reporter thing. So probably not. And gosh, got dress code. Batik. So, now on top of having to go for a malay event, I have to dress up as well? Like a true blue malay girl. Hmm, we'll see how lah.
I can never escape this question everytime there's a cousin meet up eyhh? Like seriously, they will never allow me off the hook as long as I choose to keep quiet and smile instead of giving them a solid and concrete response. Ada boyfriend tak? Are you taken? Alahhh, tak ada question lain nak tanya ke?
I suppose, that kind of questions dont really affect me that much. True, I may be kinda left behind in the dating scene as compared to my cousins and everything but its because of my decision to do so. I havent found the right one, at least i think so, yet. Takkan just nak grab anyone and be my boyfie kan? Besides, I got alot of other important things to do than falling in love. Unlike El who changes gf like change clothes, I choose to remain loyal to that one person. And probably, its because of people like El that is the reason why I have yet to have a boyfie. Because, I keep thinking that no guy on earth are sincere and well can be trusted. Its either they're annoying or they lie alot. Or they sweet talk alot alot alot. Basically, I have yet to find a decent decent one.
they say that i set high expectations for myself but i highly doubt so. haha. its high but i believe that its attainable. so yeah. lets not think about this right now shall we.
back to the books for now.
love always.
Oh, so true.
POSTED ON: Wednesday, June 15, 2011 @ 6:47 PM | 0 comments
This are the words I always, alway say. Ohmygosh.
Ayunan Dewi - Berdiri Sehati Sejiwa
POSTED ON: Friday, June 10, 2011 @ 8:35 AM | 0 comments
hello everyone
MY VERY FIRST PERFORMANCE AS AN AD GIRL! (: Nerve wrecking but extremely enjoyable. Kem Budaya made me view things in a more fresher perspective as a malay girl. HAHA. It kinda opens my eyes to the beauty of my culture and yes, the semangat that we put in. Which is alot. Haha. Heart and soul sekali oii! (: I believed that I showed myself as a true blue malay girl 2 days back - a personality that I seldom show to the people around me. My enthusiasm was just woah. Even Im surprised myself.
Brother has NERF competition today. (: And there's kenduri tomorrow. And chalet on Sunday! (: More camwhoring moments with love ones! I so cannot wait! Oh yes, Cik Mah and Farah's birthday today. Happy birthday CIK MAH! (: Thank you for everything that you have done for me. Love you banyak banyak! Stay awesome dearest aunty. Oh and Farah darling, I miss miss miss you. (: Happy sweet 17 love. Stay hype up and giler giler always okay! Love you!
I shall keep this short! (:
Love korang.
← Older / ♥ back up ♥ / Newer →
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