Don't be afraid, afraid to fall.
POSTED ON: Friday, May 7, 2010 @ 8:01 PM | 0 comments
Hello all.
Today was just exhausting. A lot of things have happened. I am totally drained out of my emotions. I thought that today would end off well. Because school was okay. Lessons were not as draining as per usual. Legacy was fun because we talked about conflict management. English was free period cos Lopez isn’t here. So, some of us had heart to heart talks about a lot of things. This made us a lot better after that. More positive in that sense because we learn to view things from a better perspective. And not to judge solely based on emotions but to also govern ourselves with reason. So yeahs. And Chemistry was lab work.
That was a typical school day for me. I thought to just end of my Friday well by going straight home after that. But I guess I was wrong. Went to wait for my MRT at PL as per usual. Nothing amiss. Except that when I reached the platform and entered the train, I was pretty much surprised at what’s about to happen. Apparently, something was amiss cos the SMRT officers were doing a lot of explaining. To make matters worse, I was alone. Smart. I thought that something was wrong in the train so its nothing much lahs cos I had been in that situation with my friends before. SMRT officer told us to alight at Eunos so that’s what I did.
But I realised something was wrong when there’s like a huge crowd of people at Eunos MRT. Officers were like all over the place navigating the public and reassuring that everything’s okay. I was bewildered and confused. Trapped at Eunos. At that moment, I just had one thought. I want to get home. I need to get home. I wanted to take 30 but suddenly it was so packed with people. And the bus stop’s a lot more crowded than usual. I was watching the people for a good 10 mins, I think. People shoving each other onto the buses. So few buses yet more and more people. And SMRT officers explained and reexplained. I was just there – at the bus stop, watching all these people wondering what I wanted to do. Cos I realised that there is no way that I am getting onto the bus.
So, I started walking. And walking. I walked all the way until near the terrace houses at Kembangan. I didn’t realise how far it is from Eunos to Kembangan until Mum called me and asked where I was. I was just going wherever my feet is carrying me. Until she reminded and told me how far it is from Eunos to Kembangan only do I realise how far it actually is. All I know was that I needed to get home. I was alone. I was scared. I was hungry. I couldn’t think. I was holding my phone all along for comfort reading all the words that my love ones told me.
I felt like just crying because I’ve never ever get stuck in such a situation alone. Always, if the train breaksdown, at least someone is there. But this time, I was alone. And I didn’t know what to do. But, my love ones told me not to cry and just pull through the whole thing. Because if I cry, they seems to know that I will be more not in control of the situation that I am in. So, trying not to cry was my biggest challenge. I started to finally stop and think where I was heading. My mind offered many solutions but my heart seems to doubt each of it.
I chose to went back in a taxi. Only God knows how scared I am still. Haiz. And the taxi driver had to tell me that someone had committed suicide on one of the train stations. ‘Its so crazy. Why get your body squashed up like some pancake and torture your soul just so you can end your life that way? Troublesome.’ The taxi driver said a lot more to me but I don’t think I heard anything. My mind was drifting away.
I still couldn’t shake off the thoughts of all that happening even as I am writing this. I could still picture myself walking and walking not even knowing where’s my destination. I was lost somehow. But I was glad that somehow, I manage myself. Somehow, I could be independent.
I think I know why I keep having those recurring dreams at night. It seems to indicate something that I am still blur off. But somehow, if I put 2 and 2 together, I think I could figure it somehow. Oh wells, its still a dream. And maybe, I was even wrong about it. Thank you mum and adik for always being there for me. Telling me to relax and figure things out. I know you care a lot. I love you.
And dear you, thank you. I don’t know why I told you the situation that I was in. Perhaps, cos that time we were ‘talking’. And its bothering me so much that I just had to tell. I was really scared for myself. Thank you for being there as my friend. And I so didn’t cry. Had to take control of my situation remember? They had no idea how crazy today is for me but I guess you did. Sorry if I totally blow it out on you somehow. I just couldn’t think that moment. I was too afraid of everything that’s happening around me. But, still, you’re always there for me no matter how I let it out at you. Thank you, again. I was entertained by that story that you told me. Classic twist. (:
So that was today
With loves.
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Don't be afraid, afraid to fall.
POSTED ON: Friday, May 7, 2010 @ 8:01 PM | 0 comments
Hello all.
Today was just exhausting. A lot of things have happened. I am totally drained out of my emotions. I thought that today would end off well. Because school was okay. Lessons were not as draining as per usual. Legacy was fun because we talked about conflict management. English was free period cos Lopez isn’t here. So, some of us had heart to heart talks about a lot of things. This made us a lot better after that. More positive in that sense because we learn to view things from a better perspective. And not to judge solely based on emotions but to also govern ourselves with reason. So yeahs. And Chemistry was lab work.
That was a typical school day for me. I thought to just end of my Friday well by going straight home after that. But I guess I was wrong. Went to wait for my MRT at PL as per usual. Nothing amiss. Except that when I reached the platform and entered the train, I was pretty much surprised at what’s about to happen. Apparently, something was amiss cos the SMRT officers were doing a lot of explaining. To make matters worse, I was alone. Smart. I thought that something was wrong in the train so its nothing much lahs cos I had been in that situation with my friends before. SMRT officer told us to alight at Eunos so that’s what I did.
But I realised something was wrong when there’s like a huge crowd of people at Eunos MRT. Officers were like all over the place navigating the public and reassuring that everything’s okay. I was bewildered and confused. Trapped at Eunos. At that moment, I just had one thought. I want to get home. I need to get home. I wanted to take 30 but suddenly it was so packed with people. And the bus stop’s a lot more crowded than usual. I was watching the people for a good 10 mins, I think. People shoving each other onto the buses. So few buses yet more and more people. And SMRT officers explained and reexplained. I was just there – at the bus stop, watching all these people wondering what I wanted to do. Cos I realised that there is no way that I am getting onto the bus.
So, I started walking. And walking. I walked all the way until near the terrace houses at Kembangan. I didn’t realise how far it is from Eunos to Kembangan until Mum called me and asked where I was. I was just going wherever my feet is carrying me. Until she reminded and told me how far it is from Eunos to Kembangan only do I realise how far it actually is. All I know was that I needed to get home. I was alone. I was scared. I was hungry. I couldn’t think. I was holding my phone all along for comfort reading all the words that my love ones told me.
I felt like just crying because I’ve never ever get stuck in such a situation alone. Always, if the train breaksdown, at least someone is there. But this time, I was alone. And I didn’t know what to do. But, my love ones told me not to cry and just pull through the whole thing. Because if I cry, they seems to know that I will be more not in control of the situation that I am in. So, trying not to cry was my biggest challenge. I started to finally stop and think where I was heading. My mind offered many solutions but my heart seems to doubt each of it.
I chose to went back in a taxi. Only God knows how scared I am still. Haiz. And the taxi driver had to tell me that someone had committed suicide on one of the train stations. ‘Its so crazy. Why get your body squashed up like some pancake and torture your soul just so you can end your life that way? Troublesome.’ The taxi driver said a lot more to me but I don’t think I heard anything. My mind was drifting away.
I still couldn’t shake off the thoughts of all that happening even as I am writing this. I could still picture myself walking and walking not even knowing where’s my destination. I was lost somehow. But I was glad that somehow, I manage myself. Somehow, I could be independent.
I think I know why I keep having those recurring dreams at night. It seems to indicate something that I am still blur off. But somehow, if I put 2 and 2 together, I think I could figure it somehow. Oh wells, its still a dream. And maybe, I was even wrong about it. Thank you mum and adik for always being there for me. Telling me to relax and figure things out. I know you care a lot. I love you.
And dear you, thank you. I don’t know why I told you the situation that I was in. Perhaps, cos that time we were ‘talking’. And its bothering me so much that I just had to tell. I was really scared for myself. Thank you for being there as my friend. And I so didn’t cry. Had to take control of my situation remember? They had no idea how crazy today is for me but I guess you did. Sorry if I totally blow it out on you somehow. I just couldn’t think that moment. I was too afraid of everything that’s happening around me. But, still, you’re always there for me no matter how I let it out at you. Thank you, again. I was entertained by that story that you told me. Classic twist. (:
So that was today
With loves.
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