when something just cheer you up at the last moment
POSTED ON: Monday, June 20, 2011 @ 5:13 PM | 0 comments
hello all.was on the verge of sadness and breaking down but something that i received from someone and the words written on it totally cheered me up. (: at least, someone out there still thinks that im worthy of people and im worthy of making the changes that i want for myself and for others. all this while, when i thought that it wasnt possible. thank you for still believing in me. i promise that i will do better when term starts again. (:
anyway, i had a nice heart to heart session with akhyar today. it was meaningful and fulfilling and she made me realised that i should stop blaming myself for whatever that has happened. yes, it was brief and yes, the happiness is kind of short-lived but at least, im lucky that i get to iron my thoughts out. because to be really honest, seeing how one can achieve happiness or supposedly happiness (according to them) out of my miseries, is something that i really couldn't take it. And worse, it was that person who started the chain reactions to what im currently facing. if not for it, all of this wouldnt have started. right?
but on a side note, blaming that person for everything is as if im denying God's plans for me. Its as if I forgot that God was the one who had all of this planned for me. Who wanted me to face this. But somehow, i felt that it was my mistake. A mistake that i shouldnt make. I shouldnt have used you as a means for me to forget the sadness that i went through. How am I supposed to know that having that access to your life, catching occasional glimpse of what you went through had made me grown so attached to you? I didnt intend for all of this to happen. Like any other people, I was just following the flow.
And now that ive grown attached to you, its as if im still at loss. im finding something - anything. but all i get was empty promises and assuarances that you don't want to hurt me again just like how i was hurt the last time round. the truth is, you're the one who is afraid of getting hurt. you set up all of these barriers to the people around you, permitting access only to places in yourself that you feel secure about and not wanting to talk about things that make yourself you - yes, the way you really are and why you're behaving in a certain way. you think that by doing this, you can keep yourself off from people. That yes, they get to be friends with you but once they enter that zone that you deem is not a 'safe territory' anymore for yourself, you choose the easy way out. how? by shutting them out of your life when unknowingly, you were the one who let them in. you let them explore the grounds but you're hoping that they won't question anything. maybe for others, thats possible but with me, it wouldnt.
i needed your explanations but you threw me your questions. and yes, you ignore the fact that it has already happened. you're not going to deal with it arent you? but why? is it because it hurts you so much that you don't wish to talk about it anymore? or is it because you think it might make you appear as if you're lacking something that everyone has?
you told me once that you consider us as friends who are able to talk about anything under the weather and can confide anything. but it seems, that its me who felt the same way. but you? can you tell me now which part of all of this is true? is there anything about us that is real to begin with or is it just a fake thing that you can put aside once you're bored with it?
you told me that you don't want to be like him who lies to me. you told me that i can choose to trust you because you wouldnt be like him. but when i choose to trust you all this while and give you the benefit of the doubt most of the times, ironically, you did the same thing. why?
to be honest, i dont know what's real about us anymore. perhaps, nothing. its as though i imagined every single thing. right? you're vicious and heartless. you lure me in and stand by me for a while and afterwords, you did the exact same thing. am i really stupid enough to be the target, always? where its either i get lied about or manipulated around. with that sweet girl facade that i put up, this is what i get? its totally not worth it. i believe you have your reasons and i hope that i will at least get an answer for those unanswered questions.
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